I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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