This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
