Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
