then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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