Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My pussy is not your playground.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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