guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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