i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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