I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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