I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
