I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
