My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
