John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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