That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
