so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
