I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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