I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
