thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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