I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
