So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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