I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
