I think i peed on brittanys purse
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
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Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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