Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
