you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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