How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
