it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
