Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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