He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
