You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
