If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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