hotel room ftw
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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