I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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