I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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