dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to jail i love you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize