It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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