Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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