hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
