Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
