I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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