I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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