I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
