No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
