No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
