I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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