Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
