I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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