walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
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At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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