Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
