you would pick up someone in the library
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
