fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
