Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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