I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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