and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
