i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize