dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
