I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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