Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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