i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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