laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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